Thy departure from this earthly life is a cause of grief and sorrow for your parents and all who love you, O little child; but in truth you have been saved by the Lord from sufferings and snares of many kinds.
O Savior and Master of our life: comfort the faithful parents of this departed child with the knowledge that to innocent children, who have done no deeds worthy of tears, are granted the righteousness, peace and joy of Thy kingdom.
Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the U.S. end in miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn child. But this is not just a statistic. This is a life and a death.
It is my belief that both the Gospel and the Orthodox Church hold that life begins at conception—that is, the fertilization of the ovum by the sperm. God knows the name and age of each person from their mother’s womb, is what we pray during the Liturgy of St. Basil. We must therefore recognize that pregnancy loss—miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth—all result in the death of a human being, a baby, a Child of God. Parents who were anticipating life are now confronted with death. These deaths result in millions of parents and families grieving.
Fr John Breck writes of the mother who has miscarried, “Her pain needs to be acknowledged, accepted, and palliated through words and gestures of understanding, sympathy and love, offered by her family and the parish community.” In reality, most of the parents who experience the loss of a child during pregnancy, suffer alone. This is especially true in the instance of early pregnancy loss (i.e. miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies) where there is no “body” to be seen and often the mother shows no outward signs of pregnancy. Many people are unaware of the grief that pregnancy loss causes. Sometimes the grieving parents, themselves, reinforce the idea that they are not grieving, by pretending they do not experience hurt, as they try to “get on with their lives” and to “try again.”
It is important to note that not only is a parent’s grief over a pregnancy loss real and normal, it is also Christian. Too many times it is assumed that grief is not Christian; that the bereaved should accept the reality of the loss as being “God’s Will.” However, we know that when Jesus found out about the death of his friend Lazarus, that “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Especially in early losses (most miscarriages occur before the twelfth week of pregnancy) people often use the clichés “It’s God’s will,” “God wanted the baby in heaven for himself,” “God knows best; the baby would have probably been deformed.” The only thing these sayings do is indicate to the parents that they should not mourn, that if they “are Christian” they will accept God’s Will and not “complain.”
In 1988, President Ronald Reagan proclaimed October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month throughout the United States noting that, “National Observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members on work to prevent causes of these problems….”
Subsequently, the resolution to declare October 15 Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day passed the United States House of Representatives on September 28, 2006. In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, it is suggested by many bereavement groups that grieving parents light a candle at 7 p.m. in their respective time zones to create a wave of light around the world in memory of babies lost to pregnancy and infant loss. At Holy Trinity Orthodox Church in East Meadow, NY we have been holding a Molieben (prayer service) each year on October 15th beginning at 7pm. A copy of the service can be found at our parish prayer ministry website, http://holytrinityeastmeadow.org/Ministries/prayerministry.html. Following the service, it is good to have fellowship and refreshments of some sort. It would also be a good idea to have pamphlets on grieving available. Pamphlets and resources can be found on the internet, but especially from the National Share Office, http://www.nationalshare.org/.
Not everyone grieves the same. It is important to create a loving and understanding atmosphere to help those affected. Always work in cooperation with your pastor. In 2002, I wrote an article for our Diocesan Journal, Jacob’s Well entitled “Comforting Those Who Have Lost a Baby During Pregnancy or Shortly Thereafter.” I am including the guidelines from that article for people who may not know what to say or how to help a friend or family member who is grieving.
Your help, comfort, and sensitive support can be very influential in how the parents cope with the death of their baby and how they recover. You are important; they need you now more than ever.
After giving birth to two beautiful children, my husband and I experienced the deaths of two babies during pregnancy. Our second baby died while we were attending St Vladimir’s Seminary. The prayers and support that we received from the community aided in our healing. The molieben (prayer service) that my husband serves on October 15th, holds special meaning for us. We hope that such prayers will help others to heal as well. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” (II Corinthians 1:3-4 RSV)
http://holytrinityeastmeadow.org/pregnancyloss.html—Articles and prayer services for pregnancy loss.
http://namingthechild.com/—Hope-filled reflections on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death, many from an Orthodox perspective.
http://www.nationalshare.org/—Helping those who have experienced the death of a baby due to early pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or in the first few months of life.
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/—A national self-help organization providing friendship, support and resources for parents and siblings grieving the loss of a child.
The Great Book of Needs, Expanded and Supplemented, Volume III. “The Order for the Burial of an Infant”. St. Tikhon’s Seminary Press. South Canaan, PA. 1999.
Borg, Susan and Lasker, Judith. When Pregnancy Fails: Families Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death. 1981. Revised 1989.
Breck, John. The Sacred Gift of Life. Orthodox Christianity and Bioethics. St. Vladimir’s Press. Crestwood, NY. 1998.
Elliott, Martha. An Orthodox Christian Response to the Death of a Child. SVS MA Thesis May, 1998 p9.
Klunger-Bell, Kim. Unspeakable Losses. Understanding the Experience of Pregnancy Loss, Miscarriage and Abortion. New York, London: WW Norton and Company, 1998.
Kohn, Ingrid and Perry-Lynn Moffitt. A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss: Guidance and Support for You and Your Family. New York: Routledge, 2000.
James, John and Frank Cherry, The Grief Recovery Handbook.
Limbo, Rana K. and Sara Rich Wheeler. When A Baby Dies: A Handbook for Healing and Helping. Bereavement Services. LaCrosse, Wisconsin. Revised Printing 1998.
Lothrop, Hannah. Help, Comfort and Hope After Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or in First Year. Fisher Books, 1992.
Moe, Thomas. Pastoral Care in Pregnancy Loss: A Ministry Long Needed. The Haworth Pastoral Press. New York. 1997.
Olson, Heidi B. When the Bough Breaks—Working with Families Who have Experienced The Death of an Infant (A Guide For Healthcare and Other Professionals).
Panuthos, Claudia and Catherine Romeo. Ended Beginnings. Massachusetts: Bergin & Garvey Publishers, Inc., 1984.
Shimchick, John. Sharing The Loss Of The Wished For Child. The Resource Handbook for Lay Ministers. Orthodox Church in America. New York. p. 5
Vogel, Gary E. A Caregiver’s Handbook to Perinatal Loss. deRuyter-Nelson Publications, Inc. St. Paul, Minnesota. 1996
Walker, Gordon T. Dealing with Grief. Second Edition. Conciliar Press, 1988.
Worden, William. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy. A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner. Second Edition. New York: Springer Publishing Company, 1991.
Dennise Kraus is the wife of Fr. Martin Kraus, Holy Trinity Church, East Meadow, NY and the mother of four children.
This article was taken from http://oca.org/resource-handbook/familylife/october-pregnancy-and-infant-loss-awareness-month